8.2.09

(I didn't have internet when I wrote this but I had to get it out so I typed it and wanted to share it)

8.2.09- rough morning… I just spent about 30 min in the bathroom crying… just really missing family and friends that KNOW me… its been so hard being here with people who I feel like I am a stranger to. Just really just missing home today!

Later that day ☺ I went for a walk and wrestled with God a bit… (Which is a really cool picture that someone shared with me and I’ll share it with you. When you are wrestling with someone you have to be close to him or her. You can’t wrestle from across the room. So I just have this picture of being really close with the Lord. But just remember that HE always wins ☺) But I was just feeling frustrated… and asking God if YOU are enough for me, then why don’t I feel like you are and just feeling kind of angry… Like He says in His Word He is enough and people say that and I have experienced that and I can tell people about it, BUT at that moment, I felt nothing.

(God wants to put you in a place where you can hear and see Him the best and I think that is what He was doing because He had my full attention that day :) I think I experienced that first hand this day)

So then we went to our 430 class and Hondo talked about how our feelings are not an accurate guide to reality. That is why God gave us THE BOOK… Its ALWAYS TRUE and it never changes, the way our feelings do. If there was a purpose of Jesus suffering (which its CLEAR that there was and is) then maybe just maybe there is a purpose in ours! There’s a purpose in the midst of your sufferings!!!!!!

If you don’t tell the Lord what you are struggling with then how can you let the Holy Spirit comfort you? And if you don’t tell people that something is wrong then how can they know how to comfort you? I HATE that we all wear masks. I mean I can only speak for myself, but I just feel like I am supposed to always have it together. And let’s just get honest! I DON’T!! Maybe there is a fear in telling people you need something because you are afraid of rejection or their reaction. There is something that I long so deeply to be known by people, why don’t I feel like its enough to be known by God because he knows me in a way no else does because he created me… Then when Ana and I met for our Gospel Buddy time, the Lord divinely put us together for that moment of sharing in suffering and sadness and exhaustion and taking off our masks together and just getting it out through our tears!

That night we had a camp fire and I shared and because I shared others were able to comfort me and put their arm around me as a SOBBED!! Thanks John☺ And Matt hugging me and saying, “I’ve been there and I feel your pain”. And Trisha being a great listener and understanding the struggle with basically being a baby again because we are illiterate and can’t do anything on our own!!! So it was a pretty cool day… really hard but really encouraging at the same time.

So I got to debrief this day with Brooke a few days ago and she was just like 'sara, if you don't tell people your story, they can't know you'. So really if I want people to know me, I have to tell them and let them in. Hmmm... sit on that for awhile :)